I Was Supposed To Be Doing My Homework...

This has been a helluva week for South Africans - first Winnie Madikizela Mandela's fuck-awesome "interview" (alleged says she) where she dissed everyone from Madiba to Ghandi. That, my dear friends is BALLS. She has oodles of chutzpah. And I think it's important that we stop this idolisation of Mandela - he's a man, he did great work in helping to unite South Africa, yes and he's awesome for not wanting to wreak havoc on the white population of South Africa (although his reasons for that might not necessarily be based on altruism alone, ya'll, the economic factors involved in that demands a functioning and economically vibrant white community), but he's a mna with faults, with foibles, who has been thrice married - that's not a great sign ya'll.

Soon enough we're going to call South Africa Mandela-Land. We have Mandela Square, Mandela Bridge, Nelson Mandela Metropolitan Area, Mandela streets GALORE. I swear, McDonald's is going to give us the McMadiba burger. And that shit will be sold world wide. Oprah's probably first in line for it (you know how she loves the food). What I'm trying to say is that when he dies, shit is going to come out about him, and we're going to have so many people that are disappointed because they've been sold this image of a man who can do no wrong, when at this point, he's probably half cuckoo (he's 92 or something this year) and doesn't remember his wife's name. Guys, it's just the way life goes *cue Janet Jackson*.

So freaking disappointed in Jub Jub the SA hip hop dude who killed 4 kids in a drag racing massacre. He was drunk and strung out on coke at 4pm in the afternoon. WHO DOES THAT? I mean, I can't even joke about that asshat. Although Mini-Cooper might look into banning South African celebs from buying their cars. Mandoza, Jub Jub... they all have Mini's in common. Which leads me to my next question - why are grown-ass men driving Mini Coopers? Yes, It's a CHICK car! I don't give a shit about how fast it goes (although, clearly some drunkards do)

English NHS FAIL: This is Hilarible - Horrible and HILARIOUS. This lady was treated for gout and IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) for 9 MONTHS meanwhile, bitch was preggo! LOL. Shem

On a happier note... THE ECLIPSE TRAILER CAME OUT AND I AM ALL A-SQUEE!
What do we have to look forward to? GRATUITOUS SHIRTLESSNESS! AWESOME VAMPIRE DECAPITATION! FUTILE VAMPIRE FOREPLAY! A GREAT INDIE SOUNDTRACK! What we aren't looking forward to: RPattz's lack of diction. Taylor Lautner's failtastic acting (I don't know if you can even call it that.) KStew's wig (it looks like something left over from one of Beyonce's old weaves) Bryce Dallace Howard taking over the role of Victoria when Rachelle Lefevre was obviously the boss bitch. I mean look at this fierce bitch. Bryce looks like someone's mom. All I can say though, is that after the 30th of June, make sure to take seat protectors to the movies... because there is going to be a lot of teen-splooge on those seats and you don't want to catch anything Twilight related.

Also VERY EXCITED about the Gaga video for Telephone ft Beyonce. YAYS *screams* it's all kind of fierceness. If you want to watch 9 minutes of awesome click here OMG SHE SHOWS US HER FUCKING VAGINA!

I can't say this has been the best week, it's been sad, it's been hard, it's been so fucking hot, I melted into a pile of goo. Yet I've had so much fun: Miss Lebanon was better than Miss South Africa, by FAR! And I got to read poetry and eat chocolate, so it hasn't failed too badly.

I got some new music to listen to: The Strokes ft Regina Spektor: Modern Girls & Old Fashioned Men. Try it out.

Okay be more awesome, all of you.

Life in Music: Imaginary Stripping to Led Zeppelin

Yesterday I received a gift from the music gods. I heard A Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin. And by Gad, it was a revelation of the sexiest music my ears have ever had the honour of being molested by. A molestation they thoroughly enjoyed. I even named it earsex, it was so epic. I had my imaginary stripper pole out, and was already figuring out my strip routine, in tiny green boy shorts (yes, my imaginary me was really thin, with a pert butt.) and I was sweating and be-poled and pastied. If you're wondering, the pasties were green too and in the shape of a three leaved clover (God bless the man who marries me, cause I'm bringing that shit OUT on the wedding night!) I mean, it was rough, raw and panting kind of music. I even tweeted about it

"HOLY SHIT. Led Zeppelin. I think I just splooged in my pants. Whole lotta love."

Wait, wait, here are some of the lyrics:

You've been coolin', baby, I've been droolin',
All the good times I've been misusin',
Way, way down inside, I'm gonna give you my love,
I'm gonna give you every inch of my love,
Gonna give you my love

It got me a-thinking (which is rather dangerous at the best of times) about my journey through life, I have a really long ass soundtrack to my life with songs that have changed my life. So I decided to list the songs that signified awesome times in my life. Don't judge the tunes. I putting myself out there for you fuckers.

Top 10 Moments in Music

1.Michael Jackson- Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough
I went to MJ’s concert in 1997, saw him do his thing, moonwalk and all and never ever thought how privileged I was to actually have seen the greatest musician of the 20th Century perform. Needless to say, I am equally glad I’m a girl.

2.Marvin Gaye – Let’s Get It On
This reminds me of one of the greatest holidays I had with my family in Cape Town. It was the last holiday I think everyone was truly happy, and all seven of us were there, together, singing along to a greatest hits album, and it was the first time I clicked this song was about sex. And I realized, my parents actually had sex. More than 4 times. Ew.

3.Spice Girls – Wanna Be
Dear Lord, the first time I took an interest in music beyond what my parents were listening to and what a choice. I don’t regret a second of girl power. It was perfectly manufactured pop and I will never look down upon well-produced pop.


4. Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit
Ah grunge. The things you did to my innocence. My older sister Queen P introduced me to what my mother calls *whisper* “White Music” (Look, I don’t know, the woman raised me) I remember listening to this stuff and hearing the guitar riffs and wondering how the hell Kurt Cobain did that with his voice. And thus, the groupie in me was born.

5.Alanis Morrisette – Uninvited
Oh those feelings of alienation! Oh the pre-teen ANGST! Oh the hot sex scene in City of Angels that taught me about the mechanics of sexual congress “They fit together”. I still love this song so much. I think I play it at least once a day. Thank you, crazy, depressed Canadian for this gem.

6.Britney Spears – EVERYTHING THIS BITCH HAS EVER DONE. Except her last two albums.

I see you thar. I see you judge me, but I was give you this. Baby One More Time is probably the best pop debut of a female artist in the last 10 years. YEAH I SAID IT. Why? Title track. FUN FACT: TLC was offered this song. They turned it down. Who is still making music? Yeah. Also Slave 4 U makes me want to do naughty things in nightclubs.

7.Lauryn Hill – Ex Factor
The most perfectly written song. Ever. The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill is also a tour de force. It hasn’t aged, despite having been released in 1998. Guys, that’s a long fucking time ago. I am willing to wager that this album is the female equivalent of Thriller. Yeah, it didn’t sell as much, but for sheer creative force, it’s the one.

8.Eminem – Stan

This album really introduced me to the wonders of rap. Not that bitches and hoes stuff,( mind you Em is quite the misogynist.) but his lyrical artistry. Who will ever forget the haunting Dido sample on Stan? Or the cut about addiction? Yes I was 11 years old singing about “guns, knives, wives, sluts, Bitch Imma kill you, you don’t wanna fuck with me, girls leave, you ain’t nothing but a slut to me.” AWESOME. Also, Kim, you fucked up girl, and you turned Em into an angry fuck incapable of love. And we get fuck-awesome tunes because of it.

9.Alicia Keys ft Beyonce – Put It In A Love Song
Wow Ms Keys, despite your homewrecking ways, we love you. This artist has matured so much! And she keeps getting better. This track featuring the Queen B has is a maelstrom of throbbing beats and staccato singing. And I must say that I saw the pics for the video and I can’t wait to get my sexy on, on the dancefloor. A la Dirrty.

10.Amy Winehouse – Love Is A Losing Game
This smack-addicted lady oozes cool. Not because she’s on drugs, but because her talent shines through all the crap she does to herself unapologetically. The Back to Black album is an instant classic. And because of Ms Winehouse, we have lots of white girls singing like sistas, like Duffy (FAIL) and Adele (ILU GIRL) . Mark Ronson deserves a special mention. YOU ARE AWESOME DUDE, THANKS FOR VALERIE.

I'm not saying you have to agree with me (Actually I am) in fact, some people might even say I have shite taste in music and why the fuck is this stuff on my list when there are awesome artists out there like Aqua and those tossers who sang that Blue da ba de da ba da what-what song. I mean I love the indie scene at the moment and my mother thinks I'm having an identity crisis because I listen to Regina Spektor (Gotta say thanks to Sister Girl and @MvelaseP for that discovery) , Snow Patrol before they tried to recreate Chasing Cars on every album (dudes that was ONE SONG!) as well as the heirs to the sexy voice seat, Kings of Leon. Yummy. But I digress, the point of baring my soul to you like this is to say music is such a gift.

It's something I want my future children to appreciate. From Classical, to Opera, to Musicals (I LOVE YOU STEPHEN SONDHEIM, I WANT TO HAVE YOUR METAPHORICAL BABIES) right through to dirrty South hip hop that's all about shaking your ass like that girl uh uh coach carter (look, I don't know, I just dance to it). Whatever.

So Apparently, Drinking Is Not An Occupation...

I beg to differ. Severely. There happen to be many, many advantages to unrestrained poisoning of the liver. Like Death. Yeah whatever, that cirrhotic liver might be a bit painful, but in the end, EVERYONE DIES. So why not do the fun thing? The thing that says, "Yes, I am a rebel, I drink so much, that my body refuses to process that which I pump into it relentlessly. Mmm. Kiss my puffy face and swollen midsection."

So last night Chocolate Ice and I went out for dinner and drinks with friends. And the meal was TERRIBLE (CALLING YOU OUT ADEGA!). And my dear Icey, being a dry one, did not have a drink. I more than made up for her non-drinkyness... Which was fun at the time. I woke up with the Hangover That Zeus Wrought and OMG I wished to die. Which was also AWESOME because I was teaching Catechism... we were watching JUNO, you know, the cautionary whale. And I had NOTHING to say to them. My head hurt, I was seeing stars. I was farting Xyklon-B. So thus went the lesson:

Me: Okay, guys. So, Uh, don't have uh sex. It's not cool.

Students: o_O

Me: SERIOUSLY, don't fuck, alright? You'll get pregnant and die.

Students: Uh, Mpumi, you can't die from having sex.

Me: Yes you fucking can! Ask Freddy Mercury. And Farrah Fawcett.

Students: Uh, I think she died of cancer. And he died of Aids.

Me: Oh.

Students: I wonder what positions are best.

Me: I heard stuff about dogg... HEY! You guys are Catholic, it's STRICTLY missionary for you people!

[Enter Parish Priest, who proceeds to give Mpumi a squiff look that almost tears a tendon in his left eye]

[V.O.] Me: SHIT!

Me: Okay, guys. See you next week.

Students: Don't drink too much!

FML is not a website. It's my existence.

Also: Apparently our President might have 36 children. To which I say, HOLY FUCKING SHIT. And also, JZ doesn't shoot blanks AT ALL ya'll. He should be reccomended as a fertility treatment "Zuma gets the egg, every time, baby guarenteed."


Also also: Oscar noms were BORING, I don't care. Grammys were on, I still don't care (OMG T SWIZZ WON ALBUM OF THE YEAR!!!) I wonder if my obsession with all things schleb is fading. I mean, I still love to laugh at the misery of those more fortunate than myself, I just dont care as much as I used to. HAAAAAAHHH!! The Vanity Fair Shitstorm over the fact that only thin white girls were on the cover this year as the "New Hollywood" I thought Black folks were over this. Hollywood is the last bastion of the "Old World" where white people can still pretend that black people only exist as 5 stereotypes:

1. Loud Head Snapper
2. Mean Baby Momma
3. Sensitive Maid
4. Crackwhore
5. Scorned, Crazy Bitch
   




Come now people. If those stereotypes still exist, how are you going to be considered "New Hollywood" busy tackling incredible roles and shit, when it seems that the public don't want to see you do it. Comfortable. That's all they want to be, and if seeing empowered black women makes them uncomfortable....

One more thing before I go, twitter was all aflutter the other day with a PROUDLY SOUTH AFRICAN TRENDING TOPIC! WHOOP! Which was: #inSouthAfrica. Lulz were had. Check it out.

Damaged Goods and the Feminine Psyche

This year, is the year of getting in too fucking deep. It's the year of "OMG I can't believe I did that, was I drunk?" I am turning 21 and if i don't act out soon, I'm not going to have youth as an excuse for ridiculous behaviour. Therefore, I shall have a "Bucket List" of sorts. "Things I will do by age 25" and as I do them, I will blog. There will be blood. And photography. And so with no further explainations:

Things I will do by age 25

1. Have a cigarette in front of my mother
2. Have an alcoholic beverage in a non-social setting in front of my mother
3. Give good face, like Robert Pattinson.
4. Eat something disgusting and not comment immediately on how FRIKKIN gross it was
5. Drink myself unconscious. With cheap vodka.
6. Drink Peach Mampoer
7. Eat that Spanish Maggot Cheese
8. Eat Testicles(cooked)
9. Dance on a bar top (see point 5 above)
10. Convince someone to have a menage a trois, but then bitch out like Gossip Girl (GAH!)
11. Dance the Paso Doble
12. Write a novel
13. Get on Oprah (this is really pressing, shit!)
14. Go to a premiere that I'm invited to and be drunk and disorderly (see points 9 and 5)
15. Get strip searched at the airport.
16. Dance the Single Ladies dance all the way through without stopping or fucking up the 2nd verse.
17. Smoke DBN poison and not have my eyes roll back in my head (long story, suffice to say FUCK YOU TEGAN!)
18. Contiki with a good friend
19. Do unspeakable things to others on Contiki (things of which we do not speak)
20. Have a Sugar Daddy and TOTES NOT DELIVER THE GOODS *insertevillaughhere*

Speaking of Sugar Daddies, Jacob Zuma had his 20th child. You know a man's a pimp when he has more kids that Jacob. The Biblical one, not Jacobwolf. I say MAZEL TOV!

Also also: Grammy's this weekend, I don't know if I have it in me to watch. Suffice to say, GO TAYLOR SWIFT, GO BEYONCE!!! All the rest of you, I download your music, and I really don't give two hoots if you win.

My mother took my sister and I shopping, and I bought "I am a sexy bitch heels" and bridal underwear. I promise I didnt know it was bridal, I just thought "ooooohhhh pretty!" and it makes my puppies look like I got a really, really good boob job, like they don't look cock-eyed at all (ha ha, I said "cock"), je promise. My sister went ahead and got the most gorgeous clothes, to which I say "I POO POO THE TATTOO", because I am fat and am not desirous of shopping for clothes.

JOB SEARCH AHOY!! I am looking for gainful employment because my mother feels that my taking 6 months of and doing nothing is not good for me. I beg to differ. A LOT. I think that 6 months spent getting thin and writing creatively everyday is AWESOME. I would feel exactly like a "Struggling Artist", I need to prepare for my post-graduate life by indulging in inordinate amounts of self-pity with just a splish splash of self- aggrandisement. Oh, I shall damn it all! I SHALL. Enough with the CAPSLOCK. I am off, to write the next Twilight, and make obscene amounts of cash. You know, so that I can sexually harrass the male lead of the movie of my book. Oh HUSH you KNOW Stephanie Meyer does.

The Cookie Monster

So a friend and I were chatting on Facebook about a status I posted using Jane Austen's classic opening to her novel, Pride and Prejudice, you know,

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good
fortune, must be in want of a wife.

So I decided to place my own spin on this:

It is a truth universally acknowledged that once he's had the cookie,the thrill of the chase ends.

I speak truth ya'll dont hate. So my friend Bunny and I decided to go crazy with our cookie analogy. Because we don't like the other words for vagina (because a pussy looks nothing like a cat)

thus goes our conversation

Bunny:

Well done. That's why you stay a virgin till someone puts a shiney jewel on you forth finger. And then weds you in front of his friends so he can't deny you afterwards. Then he can have his cookie reward. At which point you will own half his assests- your reward for keeping the cookie jar closed.

Mpumpum:

LOL Amen Bun-Bun!

Bunny:

Morals aside. Don't let anyone steal the cookie from your cookie jar; lest your husband comes and finds his empty.

Let's just pause here and enjoy the Biblical language....

Mpumpum:

I know, because the cookie monster is always unworthy!!

Bunny:

haha.. yip. Just leaves his nasty crumbs behind; and sour memories.

Ah the poor cookie monster, so discriminated against!

Mpumpum:

And maybe a junior cookie monster or even *gasp* chocolate chips (herpes! lol)

Bunny:

Haha..! Imagine- cookie monster junior!! I'm keeping my cookie locked up. Someone get me a chastity belt..

Lulz ensue because all i can imagine is the Cookie Monster (that innocent fellow) going all feral on some chick, because somebody mislead him to believe that the vagina is the Cookie Of Destiny *heh*.

Also: watched the Oprah "Two Day Season Premiere" with Whitney.... and South Africans on Twitter were abuzz with the gobsmacking moment of "He spit on me. He actually spit on me. In my face" like WHAAAAAAAAATT?? Oh no he di'n't. Oh yes. He DID. And then she told her daughter it was "okay" *cyberslap*


This caused much merriment on my behalf also because, Whitney hit Bobby on the head multiple times and caused him to pass out. There was blood. Why do I find this lolarious? Not because I find joy in others pain but because he thought he could intimidate her physically and found out who really was the boss.

Also also: Evil Eyes. Lulz


Remember to donate to Haiti ya'll. It's very important that we all chip in, to save this beautiful nation and their peoples. Despite rampant Satanism (lolwut) or so says Pat Robertson. My dear sibling Choclolate Ice, told about this the day it broke on Twitter and caused a shit storm, and I mistaken heard Robert Pattinson. I thought it was fucking HILARIOUS, mostly because all I could think of is Growing Up Cullen and how Edward would totes agree.

You know, Emmett, when things like this happen, we must always point to the evil that people perpetrate. No Emmett, I do not think it is evil not to make love to my Bella. She will not die from it. No Stop thinking like that. That! That right there is why Haiti is destroyed! God cannot take your filthy mind, and wreaks destruction upon the planet! I do not have a God complex Emmett. I watch Bella for her own safety....

So sorry RPattz for laughing at you for the better part of half an hour. I could not resist.