Damaged Goods and the Feminine Psyche

This year, is the year of getting in too fucking deep. It's the year of "OMG I can't believe I did that, was I drunk?" I am turning 21 and if i don't act out soon, I'm not going to have youth as an excuse for ridiculous behaviour. Therefore, I shall have a "Bucket List" of sorts. "Things I will do by age 25" and as I do them, I will blog. There will be blood. And photography. And so with no further explainations:

Things I will do by age 25

1. Have a cigarette in front of my mother
2. Have an alcoholic beverage in a non-social setting in front of my mother
3. Give good face, like Robert Pattinson.
4. Eat something disgusting and not comment immediately on how FRIKKIN gross it was
5. Drink myself unconscious. With cheap vodka.
6. Drink Peach Mampoer
7. Eat that Spanish Maggot Cheese
8. Eat Testicles(cooked)
9. Dance on a bar top (see point 5 above)
10. Convince someone to have a menage a trois, but then bitch out like Gossip Girl (GAH!)
11. Dance the Paso Doble
12. Write a novel
13. Get on Oprah (this is really pressing, shit!)
14. Go to a premiere that I'm invited to and be drunk and disorderly (see points 9 and 5)
15. Get strip searched at the airport.
16. Dance the Single Ladies dance all the way through without stopping or fucking up the 2nd verse.
17. Smoke DBN poison and not have my eyes roll back in my head (long story, suffice to say FUCK YOU TEGAN!)
18. Contiki with a good friend
19. Do unspeakable things to others on Contiki (things of which we do not speak)
20. Have a Sugar Daddy and TOTES NOT DELIVER THE GOODS *insertevillaughhere*

Speaking of Sugar Daddies, Jacob Zuma had his 20th child. You know a man's a pimp when he has more kids that Jacob. The Biblical one, not Jacobwolf. I say MAZEL TOV!

Also also: Grammy's this weekend, I don't know if I have it in me to watch. Suffice to say, GO TAYLOR SWIFT, GO BEYONCE!!! All the rest of you, I download your music, and I really don't give two hoots if you win.

My mother took my sister and I shopping, and I bought "I am a sexy bitch heels" and bridal underwear. I promise I didnt know it was bridal, I just thought "ooooohhhh pretty!" and it makes my puppies look like I got a really, really good boob job, like they don't look cock-eyed at all (ha ha, I said "cock"), je promise. My sister went ahead and got the most gorgeous clothes, to which I say "I POO POO THE TATTOO", because I am fat and am not desirous of shopping for clothes.

JOB SEARCH AHOY!! I am looking for gainful employment because my mother feels that my taking 6 months of and doing nothing is not good for me. I beg to differ. A LOT. I think that 6 months spent getting thin and writing creatively everyday is AWESOME. I would feel exactly like a "Struggling Artist", I need to prepare for my post-graduate life by indulging in inordinate amounts of self-pity with just a splish splash of self- aggrandisement. Oh, I shall damn it all! I SHALL. Enough with the CAPSLOCK. I am off, to write the next Twilight, and make obscene amounts of cash. You know, so that I can sexually harrass the male lead of the movie of my book. Oh HUSH you KNOW Stephanie Meyer does.

The Cookie Monster

So a friend and I were chatting on Facebook about a status I posted using Jane Austen's classic opening to her novel, Pride and Prejudice, you know,

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good
fortune, must be in want of a wife.

So I decided to place my own spin on this:

It is a truth universally acknowledged that once he's had the cookie,the thrill of the chase ends.

I speak truth ya'll dont hate. So my friend Bunny and I decided to go crazy with our cookie analogy. Because we don't like the other words for vagina (because a pussy looks nothing like a cat)

thus goes our conversation

Bunny:

Well done. That's why you stay a virgin till someone puts a shiney jewel on you forth finger. And then weds you in front of his friends so he can't deny you afterwards. Then he can have his cookie reward. At which point you will own half his assests- your reward for keeping the cookie jar closed.

Mpumpum:

LOL Amen Bun-Bun!

Bunny:

Morals aside. Don't let anyone steal the cookie from your cookie jar; lest your husband comes and finds his empty.

Let's just pause here and enjoy the Biblical language....

Mpumpum:

I know, because the cookie monster is always unworthy!!

Bunny:

haha.. yip. Just leaves his nasty crumbs behind; and sour memories.

Ah the poor cookie monster, so discriminated against!

Mpumpum:

And maybe a junior cookie monster or even *gasp* chocolate chips (herpes! lol)

Bunny:

Haha..! Imagine- cookie monster junior!! I'm keeping my cookie locked up. Someone get me a chastity belt..

Lulz ensue because all i can imagine is the Cookie Monster (that innocent fellow) going all feral on some chick, because somebody mislead him to believe that the vagina is the Cookie Of Destiny *heh*.

Also: watched the Oprah "Two Day Season Premiere" with Whitney.... and South Africans on Twitter were abuzz with the gobsmacking moment of "He spit on me. He actually spit on me. In my face" like WHAAAAAAAAATT?? Oh no he di'n't. Oh yes. He DID. And then she told her daughter it was "okay" *cyberslap*


This caused much merriment on my behalf also because, Whitney hit Bobby on the head multiple times and caused him to pass out. There was blood. Why do I find this lolarious? Not because I find joy in others pain but because he thought he could intimidate her physically and found out who really was the boss.

Also also: Evil Eyes. Lulz


Remember to donate to Haiti ya'll. It's very important that we all chip in, to save this beautiful nation and their peoples. Despite rampant Satanism (lolwut) or so says Pat Robertson. My dear sibling Choclolate Ice, told about this the day it broke on Twitter and caused a shit storm, and I mistaken heard Robert Pattinson. I thought it was fucking HILARIOUS, mostly because all I could think of is Growing Up Cullen and how Edward would totes agree.

You know, Emmett, when things like this happen, we must always point to the evil that people perpetrate. No Emmett, I do not think it is evil not to make love to my Bella. She will not die from it. No Stop thinking like that. That! That right there is why Haiti is destroyed! God cannot take your filthy mind, and wreaks destruction upon the planet! I do not have a God complex Emmett. I watch Bella for her own safety....

So sorry RPattz for laughing at you for the better part of half an hour. I could not resist.