Are you sure you want to eat that?

This has been an interesting two weeks, mostly because the those Twilight stills of Edward and Bella's futile foreplay have been released (heh, the only thing "released" by those two) which brought me great, great joy. Mostly because I'm stoked to watch Eclipse. It's the best of the books (ZOMG A PLOT YOU GUYS!) and I personally think she should have just ended it there, and spare us the clusterfuck that is Breaking Dawn. Okay, I have to admit, Breaking Dawn was LOLARIOUS and awesome in its crackpot science

(okay so this 108 yr old DEAD guy, who hasn't got blood or bodily fluids except for venom and cyrogenically frozen sperm manages to knock up an 18 yr old with a super-fast-growing zombie baby that can talk in a week and its name is Renesmee. So he has NO BLOOD AND CAN STILL ACHIEVE AN ERECTION? How is this possible?)

But I digress. So I'm so freaking excited about the trailer.Which you can only watch if you go and check out Robert Pattinson (OH HAVE I GOT A STORY FOR YOU!) in Remember Me, which is like Twilight, except the they have sex and he's not dead. Wait he's also a "rebel" OMG LIKE WATCH HIM SMOKE IN THE NON SMOKING AREA YOU BAD BOY! Oh my gosh, I'm sorry rich, white boy. Your life is so HARRRRD. No one ~UNDERSTANDS~ you. So rebel against all that you know and get with that pretty, underprivileged girl and let her "bring you to life, ZOMG I LUFF YOU, *sob* HO SHIT SPOILER HE DIES!!!

Yeah, I did it. I did it here. In Johannesburg, South Africa.
Rob Pattinson also said "Negro" which is funny because the whole John Mayer, "white boy trying to be witty and say racist shit" thing JUST happened. But it only mattered because black people listen to John Mayer's music. Pattzy is juuuust the dirty white boy. (the more pictures I see of this guy, the more I laugh, STOP POUTING PATTZY! JUST STOP IT!)

Now, let me leave my love-hate relationship with all things Twilight and Robert Pattinson and focus on the amazeballsness (yes its a fucking word) of "It's Complicated" with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. It was so funny and cute. And mildy disturbing watching old people have sex. I kinda barfed up my Whispers in my mouth. All I could think was: "OMG divorced people having sex. Please God do not let this happen with my parents, I have only JUST gotten over walking in on my step-mum and dad doing the nasty. I don't think I'd cope with my mum and dad even holding hands." Uh, yeah. Steve Martin was really funny in this too! And so cute. I felt so sorry for his character when he had to see Baldwin's penis. I also would scream in shock, horror and dismay.

ALSO: TSUNAMI!!! EARTHQUAKE!! It's Natural Disaster 2: Haiti Reloaded. Except the sequel is set in Chile. Where more poor, brown people die. Also Tsunamis all over the Pacific. Guys 2012 is coming true. Not the Olympics. The Apocalypse. Which is pretty cool, because that means that we won't have to see pics of Hilary Duff giving her fiance jollies ever again. I usually don't like to use invasive paparazzi pictures, BUT this was too funny. DRAW THE CURTAINS NEXT TIME. Look at his FACE! LOL LOL LOL. Hils, YOU ARE MY HERO!

hee hee

A Love Letter to Johannesburg

Last night I had a flash of inspiration and love for the city of my birth. The beautiful and dirty rich city of Johannesburg. They call it the city of gold, but it hasn't glittered in years. In fact, this city is dirty, you might get meningitis from touching the walls. But I love it, and it loves me like a possessive husband in a pissing contest. Thanks to Twitter

So here goes:

Hey Joburg, I want to write you a love letter.

Dear Joburg, I love you. I like that you're pretentious and you know it.
I love that you throw around money you don't have, in the hopes of getting enough money to live the life you want to live. I love that you're a city of hard knocks, filled with a bruised ego and a thirst to prove yourself.I like that even though you're dangerous, I'd rather live with you than anywhere else in the world. I love Zoo Lake with its bums and bowls club. And that around the corner there is military museum where we glorify old men.

I love how you look so disdainfully on those who moved here from elsewhere, even though you're a city of immigrants.I love how you think you're an "English" town even though your name is Afrikaans.I love how you're so over the race thing, and that interracial relationships are really not a big deal here.I love that the reality is that in this town, no one owes you anything, whether your name is Mandela or Mandoza.I love that the Liberal White is a dying breed and we're breeding Liberals full stop.I love that you can be shamed in this town but can brush it off and not be ASHAMED (there's a difference).I love that in this town you can wear Louis Vuitton and some funky no name brand you picked up in Hillbrow.The Easter Rugby Festivals that people go to socialise and network. And have a good time.But I love that you're home.

That I'm a proper native and that I can't help but marvel at your beauty and your savagery. I love that I can feel your heartbeat in the afternoon thundershowers that rip apart the sky.And as quickly as the rains appear, they are gone, leaving behind lunatic drivers and intolerable traffic. I love that you're possibly the most significant city in Africa, even though you're not the capital of South Africa.I love that you're so densely populated but at the same time, you can slip under the radar and be ALONE.I love you JHB.

You are special. And everyone knows it. Just thought you should know.

I know. I tweeted ALL of that late on Friday night. But I must be honest, I fall more and more deeply in love with this place, because I know just how shark-like and superficial it all is, but the people I love make it real for me.

Happy Valentines Day, you know, if you're into that kinda stuff

I can remember the first Valentine's Day I had at High School. I was awkward, fat and had these long dreadlocks that made me look like really stupid. Yes, High School was not a good time. Roses were given out, forfeits were had and a general whoop was had by all. *YAYS BOYS LIKE US OMG*

Speaking of Valentine's Day, or give each other Venereal Disease Day, the ensemble movie came out yesterday. You know, where they throw lots of celebrities and you with old music and everyone with a vagina comes out of the theatre feeling sad about their love life in general, add wine and you have a wail fest on your hands? Yup. It's one of those, with greasy Native American jailbait to wet the panties of the twi-brigade. Speaking of panties that have been whetted apparently our favourite dirty white boy Robert Pattinson doesn't like Valentine's Day. Oh the joy I felt when I heard this news.

You, dear Pattzy have sold your soul to the demon of wet pubescent panties and romance, by playing a sexually frustrated sparklespire.You gave up any sort of credibility when you did that, sexy face. Valentine's Day will now be the day that you stay indoors because you WILL be raped on the streets of London/Los Angeles if you dare to venture outside. Actually, please do. I'm in desperate need of a laugh. I hope she weighs 17 stone and is someone's mom. LOL.

Google Buzz is apparently the new big brother.Beware folks, people can see your inbox, your google chat conversations and all sorts of privacy invasions. Which is cool if you're making your ex-boyfriend jealous with your flourishing love life. Not so much when said ex-boyfriend wants to eat your eyeballs (again, turn off your gmail Pattzy). The IPAD has also generated a lot of buzz,mostly for sounding like a personal hygiene product. I'm still waiting for a good menstruation joke, guys, and not one that says that you can't trust women blah blah that shit is played out. Apple, I expected more from you. Steve Jobs, you're a man. Anything to do with a vagina that doesn't involve sex should squick you out. You are officially on a cool warning. I am putting you on notice.

Also, be more awesome all of you.

So Apparently, Drinking Is Not An Occupation...

I beg to differ. Severely. There happen to be many, many advantages to unrestrained poisoning of the liver. Like Death. Yeah whatever, that cirrhotic liver might be a bit painful, but in the end, EVERYONE DIES. So why not do the fun thing? The thing that says, "Yes, I am a rebel, I drink so much, that my body refuses to process that which I pump into it relentlessly. Mmm. Kiss my puffy face and swollen midsection."

So last night Chocolate Ice and I went out for dinner and drinks with friends. And the meal was TERRIBLE (CALLING YOU OUT ADEGA!). And my dear Icey, being a dry one, did not have a drink. I more than made up for her non-drinkyness... Which was fun at the time. I woke up with the Hangover That Zeus Wrought and OMG I wished to die. Which was also AWESOME because I was teaching Catechism... we were watching JUNO, you know, the cautionary whale. And I had NOTHING to say to them. My head hurt, I was seeing stars. I was farting Xyklon-B. So thus went the lesson:

Me: Okay, guys. So, Uh, don't have uh sex. It's not cool.

Students: o_O

Me: SERIOUSLY, don't fuck, alright? You'll get pregnant and die.

Students: Uh, Mpumi, you can't die from having sex.

Me: Yes you fucking can! Ask Freddy Mercury. And Farrah Fawcett.

Students: Uh, I think she died of cancer. And he died of Aids.

Me: Oh.

Students: I wonder what positions are best.

Me: I heard stuff about dogg... HEY! You guys are Catholic, it's STRICTLY missionary for you people!

[Enter Parish Priest, who proceeds to give Mpumi a squiff look that almost tears a tendon in his left eye]

[V.O.] Me: SHIT!

Me: Okay, guys. See you next week.

Students: Don't drink too much!

FML is not a website. It's my existence.

Also: Apparently our President might have 36 children. To which I say, HOLY FUCKING SHIT. And also, JZ doesn't shoot blanks AT ALL ya'll. He should be reccomended as a fertility treatment "Zuma gets the egg, every time, baby guarenteed."


Also also: Oscar noms were BORING, I don't care. Grammys were on, I still don't care (OMG T SWIZZ WON ALBUM OF THE YEAR!!!) I wonder if my obsession with all things schleb is fading. I mean, I still love to laugh at the misery of those more fortunate than myself, I just dont care as much as I used to. HAAAAAAHHH!! The Vanity Fair Shitstorm over the fact that only thin white girls were on the cover this year as the "New Hollywood" I thought Black folks were over this. Hollywood is the last bastion of the "Old World" where white people can still pretend that black people only exist as 5 stereotypes:

1. Loud Head Snapper
2. Mean Baby Momma
3. Sensitive Maid
4. Crackwhore
5. Scorned, Crazy Bitch
   




Come now people. If those stereotypes still exist, how are you going to be considered "New Hollywood" busy tackling incredible roles and shit, when it seems that the public don't want to see you do it. Comfortable. That's all they want to be, and if seeing empowered black women makes them uncomfortable....

One more thing before I go, twitter was all aflutter the other day with a PROUDLY SOUTH AFRICAN TRENDING TOPIC! WHOOP! Which was: #inSouthAfrica. Lulz were had. Check it out.