So last night Chocolate Ice and I went out for dinner and drinks with friends. And the meal was TERRIBLE (CALLING YOU OUT ADEGA!). And my dear Icey, being a dry one, did not have a drink. I more than made up for her non-drinkyness... Which was fun at the time. I woke up with the Hangover That Zeus Wrought and OMG I wished to die. Which was also AWESOME because I was teaching Catechism... we were watching JUNO, you know, the cautionary whale. And I had NOTHING to say to them. My head hurt, I was seeing stars. I was farting Xyklon-B. So thus went the lesson:
Me: Okay, guys. So, Uh, don't have uh sex. It's not cool.
Students: o_O
Me: SERIOUSLY, don't fuck, alright? You'll get pregnant and die.
Students: Uh, Mpumi, you can't die from having sex.
Me: Yes you fucking can! Ask Freddy Mercury. And Farrah Fawcett.
Students: Uh, I think she died of cancer. And he died of Aids.
Me: Oh.
Students: I wonder what positions are best.
Me: I heard stuff about dogg... HEY! You guys are Catholic, it's STRICTLY missionary for you people!
[Enter Parish Priest, who proceeds to give Mpumi a squiff look that almost tears a tendon in his left eye]
[V.O.] Me: SHIT!
Me: Okay, guys. See you next week.
Students: Don't drink too much!
Students: o_O
Me: SERIOUSLY, don't fuck, alright? You'll get pregnant and die.
Students: Uh, Mpumi, you can't die from having sex.
Me: Yes you fucking can! Ask Freddy Mercury. And Farrah Fawcett.
Students: Uh, I think she died of cancer. And he died of Aids.
Me: Oh.
Students: I wonder what positions are best.
Me: I heard stuff about dogg... HEY! You guys are Catholic, it's STRICTLY missionary for you people!
[Enter Parish Priest, who proceeds to give Mpumi a squiff look that almost tears a tendon in his left eye]
[V.O.] Me: SHIT!
Me: Okay, guys. See you next week.
Students: Don't drink too much!
FML is not a website. It's my existence.
Also: Apparently our President might have 36 children. To which I say, HOLY FUCKING SHIT. And also, JZ doesn't shoot blanks AT ALL ya'll. He should be reccomended as a fertility treatment "Zuma gets the egg, every time, baby guarenteed."
Also also: Oscar noms were BORING, I don't care. Grammys were on, I still don't care (OMG T SWIZZ WON ALBUM OF THE YEAR!!!) I wonder if my obsession with all things schleb is fading. I mean, I still love to laugh at the misery of those more fortunate than myself, I just dont care as much as I used to. HAAAAAAHHH!! The Vanity Fair Shitstorm over the fact that only thin white girls were on the cover this year as the "New Hollywood" I thought Black folks were over this. Hollywood is the last bastion of the "Old World" where white people can still pretend that black people only exist as 5 stereotypes:
Also: Apparently our President might have 36 children. To which I say, HOLY FUCKING SHIT. And also, JZ doesn't shoot blanks AT ALL ya'll. He should be reccomended as a fertility treatment "Zuma gets the egg, every time, baby guarenteed."
Also also: Oscar noms were BORING, I don't care. Grammys were on, I still don't care (OMG T SWIZZ WON ALBUM OF THE YEAR!!!) I wonder if my obsession with all things schleb is fading. I mean, I still love to laugh at the misery of those more fortunate than myself, I just dont care as much as I used to. HAAAAAAHHH!! The Vanity Fair Shitstorm over the fact that only thin white girls were on the cover this year as the "New Hollywood" I thought Black folks were over this. Hollywood is the last bastion of the "Old World" where white people can still pretend that black people only exist as 5 stereotypes:
- Loud Head Snapper
- Mean Baby Momma
- Sensitive Maid
- Crackwhore
- Scorned, Crazy Bitch
Come now people. If those stereotypes still exist, how are you going to be considered "New Hollywood" busy tackling incredible roles and shit, when it seems that the public don't want to see you do it. Comfortable. That's all they want to be, and if seeing empowered black women makes them uncomfortable....
One more thing before I go, twitter was all aflutter the other day with a PROUDLY SOUTH AFRICAN TRENDING TOPIC! WHOOP! Which was: #inSouthAfrica. Lulz were had. Check it out.
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