Friday, January 22, 2010

Damaged Goods and the Feminine Psyche

This year, is the year of getting in too fucking deep. It's the year of "OMG I can't believe I did that, was I drunk?" I am turning 21 and if i don't act out soon, I'm not going to have youth as an excuse for ridiculous behaviour. Therefore, I shall have a "Bucket List" of sorts. "Things I will do by age 25" and as I do them, I will blog. There will be blood. And photography. And so with no further explainations:
Things I will do by age 25
  1. Have a cigarette in front of my mother
  2. Have an alcoholic beverage in a non-social setting in front of my mother
  3. Give good face, like Robert Pattinson.
  4. Eat something disgusting and not comment immediately on how FRIKKIN gross it was
  5. Drink myself unconscious. With cheap vodka.
  6. Drink Peach Mampoer
  7. Eat that Spanish Maggot Cheese
  8. Eat Testicles(cooked)
  9. Dance on a bar top (see point 5 above)
  10. Convince someone to have a menage a trois, but then bitch out like Gossip Girl (GAH!)
  11. Dance the Paso Doble
  12. Write a novel
  13. Get on Oprah (this is really pressing, shit!)
  14. Go to a premiere that I'm invited to and be drunk and disorderly (see points 9 and 5)
  15. Get strip searched at the airport.
  16. Dance the Single Ladies dance all the way through without stopping or fucking up the 2nd verse.
  17. Smoke DBN poison and not have my eyes roll back in my head (long story, suffice to say FUCK YOU TEGAN!)
  18. Contiki with a good friend
  19. Do unspeakable things to others on Contiki (things of which we do not speak)
  20. Have a Sugar Daddy and TOTES NOT DELIVER THE GOODS *insertevillaughhere*
Speaking of Sugar Daddies, Jacob Zuma had his 20th child. You know a man's a pimp when he has more kids that Jacob. The Biblical one, not Jacobwolf. I say MAZEL TOV!

Also also: Grammy's this weekend, I don't know if I have it in me to watch. Suffice to say, GO TAYLOR SWIFT, GO BEYONCE!!! All the rest of you, I download your music, and I really don't give two hoots if you win.

My mother took my sister and I shopping, and I bought "I am a sexy bitch heels" and bridal underwear. I promise I didnt know it was bridal, I just thought "ooooohhhh pretty!" and it makes my puppies look like I got a really, really good boob job, like they don't look cock-eyed at all (ha ha, I said "cock"), je promise. My sister went ahead and got the most gorgeous clothes, to which I say "I POO POO THE TATTOO", because I am fat and am not desirous of shopping for clothes.

JOB SEARCH AHOY!! I am looking for gainful employment because my mother feels that my taking 6 months of and doing nothing is not good for me. I beg to differ. A LOT. I think that 6 months spent getting thin and writing creatively everyday is AWESOME. I would feel exactly like a "Struggling Artist", I need to prepare for my post-graduate life by indulging in inordinate amounts of self-pity with just a splish splash of self- aggrandisement. Oh, I shall damn it all! I SHALL. Enough with the CAPSLOCK. I am off, to write the next Twilight, and make obscene amounts of cash. You know, so that I can sexually harrass the male lead of the movie of my book. Oh HUSH you KNOW Stephanie Meyer does.


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