Life in Music: Imaginary Stripping to Led Zeppelin

Yesterday I received a gift from the music gods. I heard A Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin. And by Gad, it was a revelation of the sexiest music my ears have ever had the honour of being molested by. A molestation they thoroughly enjoyed. I even named it earsex, it was so epic. I had my imaginary stripper pole out, and was already figuring out my strip routine, in tiny green boy shorts (yes, my imaginary me was really thin, with a pert butt.) and I was sweating and be-poled and pastied. If you're wondering, the pasties were green too and in the shape of a three leaved clover (God bless the man who marries me, cause I'm bringing that shit OUT on the wedding night!) I mean, it was rough, raw and panting kind of music. I even tweeted about it

"HOLY SHIT. Led Zeppelin. I think I just splooged in my pants. Whole lotta love."

Wait, wait, here are some of the lyrics:

You've been coolin', baby, I've been droolin',
All the good times I've been misusin',
Way, way down inside, I'm gonna give you my love,
I'm gonna give you every inch of my love,
Gonna give you my love

It got me a-thinking (which is rather dangerous at the best of times) about my journey through life, I have a really long ass soundtrack to my life with songs that have changed my life. So I decided to list the songs that signified awesome times in my life. Don't judge the tunes. I putting myself out there for you fuckers.

Top 10 Moments in Music

1.Michael Jackson- Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough
I went to MJ’s concert in 1997, saw him do his thing, moonwalk and all and never ever thought how privileged I was to actually have seen the greatest musician of the 20th Century perform. Needless to say, I am equally glad I’m a girl.

2.Marvin Gaye – Let’s Get It On
This reminds me of one of the greatest holidays I had with my family in Cape Town. It was the last holiday I think everyone was truly happy, and all seven of us were there, together, singing along to a greatest hits album, and it was the first time I clicked this song was about sex. And I realized, my parents actually had sex. More than 4 times. Ew.

3.Spice Girls – Wanna Be
Dear Lord, the first time I took an interest in music beyond what my parents were listening to and what a choice. I don’t regret a second of girl power. It was perfectly manufactured pop and I will never look down upon well-produced pop.


4. Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit
Ah grunge. The things you did to my innocence. My older sister Queen P introduced me to what my mother calls *whisper* “White Music” (Look, I don’t know, the woman raised me) I remember listening to this stuff and hearing the guitar riffs and wondering how the hell Kurt Cobain did that with his voice. And thus, the groupie in me was born.

5.Alanis Morrisette – Uninvited
Oh those feelings of alienation! Oh the pre-teen ANGST! Oh the hot sex scene in City of Angels that taught me about the mechanics of sexual congress “They fit together”. I still love this song so much. I think I play it at least once a day. Thank you, crazy, depressed Canadian for this gem.

6.Britney Spears – EVERYTHING THIS BITCH HAS EVER DONE. Except her last two albums.

I see you thar. I see you judge me, but I was give you this. Baby One More Time is probably the best pop debut of a female artist in the last 10 years. YEAH I SAID IT. Why? Title track. FUN FACT: TLC was offered this song. They turned it down. Who is still making music? Yeah. Also Slave 4 U makes me want to do naughty things in nightclubs.

7.Lauryn Hill – Ex Factor
The most perfectly written song. Ever. The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill is also a tour de force. It hasn’t aged, despite having been released in 1998. Guys, that’s a long fucking time ago. I am willing to wager that this album is the female equivalent of Thriller. Yeah, it didn’t sell as much, but for sheer creative force, it’s the one.

8.Eminem – Stan

This album really introduced me to the wonders of rap. Not that bitches and hoes stuff,( mind you Em is quite the misogynist.) but his lyrical artistry. Who will ever forget the haunting Dido sample on Stan? Or the cut about addiction? Yes I was 11 years old singing about “guns, knives, wives, sluts, Bitch Imma kill you, you don’t wanna fuck with me, girls leave, you ain’t nothing but a slut to me.” AWESOME. Also, Kim, you fucked up girl, and you turned Em into an angry fuck incapable of love. And we get fuck-awesome tunes because of it.

9.Alicia Keys ft Beyonce – Put It In A Love Song
Wow Ms Keys, despite your homewrecking ways, we love you. This artist has matured so much! And she keeps getting better. This track featuring the Queen B has is a maelstrom of throbbing beats and staccato singing. And I must say that I saw the pics for the video and I can’t wait to get my sexy on, on the dancefloor. A la Dirrty.

10.Amy Winehouse – Love Is A Losing Game
This smack-addicted lady oozes cool. Not because she’s on drugs, but because her talent shines through all the crap she does to herself unapologetically. The Back to Black album is an instant classic. And because of Ms Winehouse, we have lots of white girls singing like sistas, like Duffy (FAIL) and Adele (ILU GIRL) . Mark Ronson deserves a special mention. YOU ARE AWESOME DUDE, THANKS FOR VALERIE.

I'm not saying you have to agree with me (Actually I am) in fact, some people might even say I have shite taste in music and why the fuck is this stuff on my list when there are awesome artists out there like Aqua and those tossers who sang that Blue da ba de da ba da what-what song. I mean I love the indie scene at the moment and my mother thinks I'm having an identity crisis because I listen to Regina Spektor (Gotta say thanks to Sister Girl and @MvelaseP for that discovery) , Snow Patrol before they tried to recreate Chasing Cars on every album (dudes that was ONE SONG!) as well as the heirs to the sexy voice seat, Kings of Leon. Yummy. But I digress, the point of baring my soul to you like this is to say music is such a gift.

It's something I want my future children to appreciate. From Classical, to Opera, to Musicals (I LOVE YOU STEPHEN SONDHEIM, I WANT TO HAVE YOUR METAPHORICAL BABIES) right through to dirrty South hip hop that's all about shaking your ass like that girl uh uh coach carter (look, I don't know, I just dance to it). Whatever.