Have Mercy On Me, A Sinner: A Catholic Mea Culpa

My Catholicism is something that people find shocking. I'm sure my lassiere-faire approach to life has something to do with it. But I am an honest to blog, practicing Catholic. I go to confession once a month, I make sure I'm at mass everyday if possible and I spend a lot of time actually studying my faith. The last couple of months have been difficult. Not in the sense of the actual reception of sacraments, but the shitstorm of these paedophilia and abuse cases. Simply put, my heart is sore.

This 2000 year old church has been brought to its knees by negligence and ignorance. I cannot fathom the pain and the absolute terror that the abuse victims felt when they went through this ordeal, nor can I imagine the kind of fear the priests responsible for causing it must feel. What I can empathise with is the fear of failure that our Bishops must be experiencing. It is not often that a Bishop is called to book over failures that occurred over 30-40 years ago, where what might have been seen as a good spanking then is a brutal beating now. More than anything I am angry. The successors of the apostles have failed to keep their shepherds in line. Have failed in their God-given duty to chastise, to form and to lead, no matter how uncomfortable, or how badly it reflects on the diocese they are called upon to lead.

The cock has crowed three times. We have failed to heed the warning. We have denied Christ by denying his children. So I, as a faithful Catholic apologise to you, the public ad extra. I say sorry for priests and bishops who failed to show you Christ's light. Who have almost extinguished his light in the world and may have broken your faith in the Church that wishes to be a moral compass in a world that is spinning out of control. I apologise to each and every person who has been adversely affected by this scandal.

I pray this every time I go to confession. It is called an Act Of Contrition. I pray it for me and for the church in this time.

"O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of Heaven, and the pains of Hell; but most of all because I love Thee, my God, Who art all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to confess my sins, to do penance, and to amend my life. Amen."

I know this brings little comfort to you. But I hope that it means something to the world at large.

I Was Supposed To Be Doing My Homework...

This has been a helluva week for South Africans - first Winnie Madikizela Mandela's fuck-awesome "interview" (alleged says she) where she dissed everyone from Madiba to Ghandi. That, my dear friends is BALLS. She has oodles of chutzpah. And I think it's important that we stop this idolisation of Mandela - he's a man, he did great work in helping to unite South Africa, yes and he's awesome for not wanting to wreak havoc on the white population of South Africa (although his reasons for that might not necessarily be based on altruism alone, ya'll, the economic factors involved in that demands a functioning and economically vibrant white community), but he's a mna with faults, with foibles, who has been thrice married - that's not a great sign ya'll.

Soon enough we're going to call South Africa Mandela-Land. We have Mandela Square, Mandela Bridge, Nelson Mandela Metropolitan Area, Mandela streets GALORE. I swear, McDonald's is going to give us the McMadiba burger. And that shit will be sold world wide. Oprah's probably first in line for it (you know how she loves the food). What I'm trying to say is that when he dies, shit is going to come out about him, and we're going to have so many people that are disappointed because they've been sold this image of a man who can do no wrong, when at this point, he's probably half cuckoo (he's 92 or something this year) and doesn't remember his wife's name. Guys, it's just the way life goes *cue Janet Jackson*.

So freaking disappointed in Jub Jub the SA hip hop dude who killed 4 kids in a drag racing massacre. He was drunk and strung out on coke at 4pm in the afternoon. WHO DOES THAT? I mean, I can't even joke about that asshat. Although Mini-Cooper might look into banning South African celebs from buying their cars. Mandoza, Jub Jub... they all have Mini's in common. Which leads me to my next question - why are grown-ass men driving Mini Coopers? Yes, It's a CHICK car! I don't give a shit about how fast it goes (although, clearly some drunkards do)

English NHS FAIL: This is Hilarible - Horrible and HILARIOUS. This lady was treated for gout and IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) for 9 MONTHS meanwhile, bitch was preggo! LOL. Shem

On a happier note... THE ECLIPSE TRAILER CAME OUT AND I AM ALL A-SQUEE!
What do we have to look forward to? GRATUITOUS SHIRTLESSNESS! AWESOME VAMPIRE DECAPITATION! FUTILE VAMPIRE FOREPLAY! A GREAT INDIE SOUNDTRACK! What we aren't looking forward to: RPattz's lack of diction. Taylor Lautner's failtastic acting (I don't know if you can even call it that.) KStew's wig (it looks like something left over from one of Beyonce's old weaves) Bryce Dallace Howard taking over the role of Victoria when Rachelle Lefevre was obviously the boss bitch. I mean look at this fierce bitch. Bryce looks like someone's mom. All I can say though, is that after the 30th of June, make sure to take seat protectors to the movies... because there is going to be a lot of teen-splooge on those seats and you don't want to catch anything Twilight related.

Also VERY EXCITED about the Gaga video for Telephone ft Beyonce. YAYS *screams* it's all kind of fierceness. If you want to watch 9 minutes of awesome click here OMG SHE SHOWS US HER FUCKING VAGINA!

I can't say this has been the best week, it's been sad, it's been hard, it's been so fucking hot, I melted into a pile of goo. Yet I've had so much fun: Miss Lebanon was better than Miss South Africa, by FAR! And I got to read poetry and eat chocolate, so it hasn't failed too badly.

I got some new music to listen to: The Strokes ft Regina Spektor: Modern Girls & Old Fashioned Men. Try it out.

Okay be more awesome, all of you.

Life in Music: Imaginary Stripping to Led Zeppelin

Yesterday I received a gift from the music gods. I heard A Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin. And by Gad, it was a revelation of the sexiest music my ears have ever had the honour of being molested by. A molestation they thoroughly enjoyed. I even named it earsex, it was so epic. I had my imaginary stripper pole out, and was already figuring out my strip routine, in tiny green boy shorts (yes, my imaginary me was really thin, with a pert butt.) and I was sweating and be-poled and pastied. If you're wondering, the pasties were green too and in the shape of a three leaved clover (God bless the man who marries me, cause I'm bringing that shit OUT on the wedding night!) I mean, it was rough, raw and panting kind of music. I even tweeted about it

"HOLY SHIT. Led Zeppelin. I think I just splooged in my pants. Whole lotta love."

Wait, wait, here are some of the lyrics:

You've been coolin', baby, I've been droolin',
All the good times I've been misusin',
Way, way down inside, I'm gonna give you my love,
I'm gonna give you every inch of my love,
Gonna give you my love

It got me a-thinking (which is rather dangerous at the best of times) about my journey through life, I have a really long ass soundtrack to my life with songs that have changed my life. So I decided to list the songs that signified awesome times in my life. Don't judge the tunes. I putting myself out there for you fuckers.

Top 10 Moments in Music

1.Michael Jackson- Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough
I went to MJ’s concert in 1997, saw him do his thing, moonwalk and all and never ever thought how privileged I was to actually have seen the greatest musician of the 20th Century perform. Needless to say, I am equally glad I’m a girl.

2.Marvin Gaye – Let’s Get It On
This reminds me of one of the greatest holidays I had with my family in Cape Town. It was the last holiday I think everyone was truly happy, and all seven of us were there, together, singing along to a greatest hits album, and it was the first time I clicked this song was about sex. And I realized, my parents actually had sex. More than 4 times. Ew.

3.Spice Girls – Wanna Be
Dear Lord, the first time I took an interest in music beyond what my parents were listening to and what a choice. I don’t regret a second of girl power. It was perfectly manufactured pop and I will never look down upon well-produced pop.


4. Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit
Ah grunge. The things you did to my innocence. My older sister Queen P introduced me to what my mother calls *whisper* “White Music” (Look, I don’t know, the woman raised me) I remember listening to this stuff and hearing the guitar riffs and wondering how the hell Kurt Cobain did that with his voice. And thus, the groupie in me was born.

5.Alanis Morrisette – Uninvited
Oh those feelings of alienation! Oh the pre-teen ANGST! Oh the hot sex scene in City of Angels that taught me about the mechanics of sexual congress “They fit together”. I still love this song so much. I think I play it at least once a day. Thank you, crazy, depressed Canadian for this gem.

6.Britney Spears – EVERYTHING THIS BITCH HAS EVER DONE. Except her last two albums.

I see you thar. I see you judge me, but I was give you this. Baby One More Time is probably the best pop debut of a female artist in the last 10 years. YEAH I SAID IT. Why? Title track. FUN FACT: TLC was offered this song. They turned it down. Who is still making music? Yeah. Also Slave 4 U makes me want to do naughty things in nightclubs.

7.Lauryn Hill – Ex Factor
The most perfectly written song. Ever. The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill is also a tour de force. It hasn’t aged, despite having been released in 1998. Guys, that’s a long fucking time ago. I am willing to wager that this album is the female equivalent of Thriller. Yeah, it didn’t sell as much, but for sheer creative force, it’s the one.

8.Eminem – Stan

This album really introduced me to the wonders of rap. Not that bitches and hoes stuff,( mind you Em is quite the misogynist.) but his lyrical artistry. Who will ever forget the haunting Dido sample on Stan? Or the cut about addiction? Yes I was 11 years old singing about “guns, knives, wives, sluts, Bitch Imma kill you, you don’t wanna fuck with me, girls leave, you ain’t nothing but a slut to me.” AWESOME. Also, Kim, you fucked up girl, and you turned Em into an angry fuck incapable of love. And we get fuck-awesome tunes because of it.

9.Alicia Keys ft Beyonce – Put It In A Love Song
Wow Ms Keys, despite your homewrecking ways, we love you. This artist has matured so much! And she keeps getting better. This track featuring the Queen B has is a maelstrom of throbbing beats and staccato singing. And I must say that I saw the pics for the video and I can’t wait to get my sexy on, on the dancefloor. A la Dirrty.

10.Amy Winehouse – Love Is A Losing Game
This smack-addicted lady oozes cool. Not because she’s on drugs, but because her talent shines through all the crap she does to herself unapologetically. The Back to Black album is an instant classic. And because of Ms Winehouse, we have lots of white girls singing like sistas, like Duffy (FAIL) and Adele (ILU GIRL) . Mark Ronson deserves a special mention. YOU ARE AWESOME DUDE, THANKS FOR VALERIE.

I'm not saying you have to agree with me (Actually I am) in fact, some people might even say I have shite taste in music and why the fuck is this stuff on my list when there are awesome artists out there like Aqua and those tossers who sang that Blue da ba de da ba da what-what song. I mean I love the indie scene at the moment and my mother thinks I'm having an identity crisis because I listen to Regina Spektor (Gotta say thanks to Sister Girl and @MvelaseP for that discovery) , Snow Patrol before they tried to recreate Chasing Cars on every album (dudes that was ONE SONG!) as well as the heirs to the sexy voice seat, Kings of Leon. Yummy. But I digress, the point of baring my soul to you like this is to say music is such a gift.

It's something I want my future children to appreciate. From Classical, to Opera, to Musicals (I LOVE YOU STEPHEN SONDHEIM, I WANT TO HAVE YOUR METAPHORICAL BABIES) right through to dirrty South hip hop that's all about shaking your ass like that girl uh uh coach carter (look, I don't know, I just dance to it). Whatever.

Are you sure you want to eat that?

This has been an interesting two weeks, mostly because the those Twilight stills of Edward and Bella's futile foreplay have been released (heh, the only thing "released" by those two) which brought me great, great joy. Mostly because I'm stoked to watch Eclipse. It's the best of the books (ZOMG A PLOT YOU GUYS!) and I personally think she should have just ended it there, and spare us the clusterfuck that is Breaking Dawn. Okay, I have to admit, Breaking Dawn was LOLARIOUS and awesome in its crackpot science

(okay so this 108 yr old DEAD guy, who hasn't got blood or bodily fluids except for venom and cyrogenically frozen sperm manages to knock up an 18 yr old with a super-fast-growing zombie baby that can talk in a week and its name is Renesmee. So he has NO BLOOD AND CAN STILL ACHIEVE AN ERECTION? How is this possible?)

But I digress. So I'm so freaking excited about the trailer.Which you can only watch if you go and check out Robert Pattinson (OH HAVE I GOT A STORY FOR YOU!) in Remember Me, which is like Twilight, except the they have sex and he's not dead. Wait he's also a "rebel" OMG LIKE WATCH HIM SMOKE IN THE NON SMOKING AREA YOU BAD BOY! Oh my gosh, I'm sorry rich, white boy. Your life is so HARRRRD. No one ~UNDERSTANDS~ you. So rebel against all that you know and get with that pretty, underprivileged girl and let her "bring you to life, ZOMG I LUFF YOU, *sob* HO SHIT SPOILER HE DIES!!!

Yeah, I did it. I did it here. In Johannesburg, South Africa.
Rob Pattinson also said "Negro" which is funny because the whole John Mayer, "white boy trying to be witty and say racist shit" thing JUST happened. But it only mattered because black people listen to John Mayer's music. Pattzy is juuuust the dirty white boy. (the more pictures I see of this guy, the more I laugh, STOP POUTING PATTZY! JUST STOP IT!)

Now, let me leave my love-hate relationship with all things Twilight and Robert Pattinson and focus on the amazeballsness (yes its a fucking word) of "It's Complicated" with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. It was so funny and cute. And mildy disturbing watching old people have sex. I kinda barfed up my Whispers in my mouth. All I could think was: "OMG divorced people having sex. Please God do not let this happen with my parents, I have only JUST gotten over walking in on my step-mum and dad doing the nasty. I don't think I'd cope with my mum and dad even holding hands." Uh, yeah. Steve Martin was really funny in this too! And so cute. I felt so sorry for his character when he had to see Baldwin's penis. I also would scream in shock, horror and dismay.

ALSO: TSUNAMI!!! EARTHQUAKE!! It's Natural Disaster 2: Haiti Reloaded. Except the sequel is set in Chile. Where more poor, brown people die. Also Tsunamis all over the Pacific. Guys 2012 is coming true. Not the Olympics. The Apocalypse. Which is pretty cool, because that means that we won't have to see pics of Hilary Duff giving her fiance jollies ever again. I usually don't like to use invasive paparazzi pictures, BUT this was too funny. DRAW THE CURTAINS NEXT TIME. Look at his FACE! LOL LOL LOL. Hils, YOU ARE MY HERO!

hee hee

A Love Letter to Johannesburg

Last night I had a flash of inspiration and love for the city of my birth. The beautiful and dirty rich city of Johannesburg. They call it the city of gold, but it hasn't glittered in years. In fact, this city is dirty, you might get meningitis from touching the walls. But I love it, and it loves me like a possessive husband in a pissing contest. Thanks to Twitter

So here goes:

Hey Joburg, I want to write you a love letter.

Dear Joburg, I love you. I like that you're pretentious and you know it.
I love that you throw around money you don't have, in the hopes of getting enough money to live the life you want to live. I love that you're a city of hard knocks, filled with a bruised ego and a thirst to prove yourself.I like that even though you're dangerous, I'd rather live with you than anywhere else in the world. I love Zoo Lake with its bums and bowls club. And that around the corner there is military museum where we glorify old men.

I love how you look so disdainfully on those who moved here from elsewhere, even though you're a city of immigrants.I love how you think you're an "English" town even though your name is Afrikaans.I love how you're so over the race thing, and that interracial relationships are really not a big deal here.I love that the reality is that in this town, no one owes you anything, whether your name is Mandela or Mandoza.I love that the Liberal White is a dying breed and we're breeding Liberals full stop.I love that you can be shamed in this town but can brush it off and not be ASHAMED (there's a difference).I love that in this town you can wear Louis Vuitton and some funky no name brand you picked up in Hillbrow.The Easter Rugby Festivals that people go to socialise and network. And have a good time.But I love that you're home.

That I'm a proper native and that I can't help but marvel at your beauty and your savagery. I love that I can feel your heartbeat in the afternoon thundershowers that rip apart the sky.And as quickly as the rains appear, they are gone, leaving behind lunatic drivers and intolerable traffic. I love that you're possibly the most significant city in Africa, even though you're not the capital of South Africa.I love that you're so densely populated but at the same time, you can slip under the radar and be ALONE.I love you JHB.

You are special. And everyone knows it. Just thought you should know.

I know. I tweeted ALL of that late on Friday night. But I must be honest, I fall more and more deeply in love with this place, because I know just how shark-like and superficial it all is, but the people I love make it real for me.

Happy Valentines Day, you know, if you're into that kinda stuff

I can remember the first Valentine's Day I had at High School. I was awkward, fat and had these long dreadlocks that made me look like really stupid. Yes, High School was not a good time. Roses were given out, forfeits were had and a general whoop was had by all. *YAYS BOYS LIKE US OMG*

Speaking of Valentine's Day, or give each other Venereal Disease Day, the ensemble movie came out yesterday. You know, where they throw lots of celebrities and you with old music and everyone with a vagina comes out of the theatre feeling sad about their love life in general, add wine and you have a wail fest on your hands? Yup. It's one of those, with greasy Native American jailbait to wet the panties of the twi-brigade. Speaking of panties that have been whetted apparently our favourite dirty white boy Robert Pattinson doesn't like Valentine's Day. Oh the joy I felt when I heard this news.

You, dear Pattzy have sold your soul to the demon of wet pubescent panties and romance, by playing a sexually frustrated sparklespire.You gave up any sort of credibility when you did that, sexy face. Valentine's Day will now be the day that you stay indoors because you WILL be raped on the streets of London/Los Angeles if you dare to venture outside. Actually, please do. I'm in desperate need of a laugh. I hope she weighs 17 stone and is someone's mom. LOL.

Google Buzz is apparently the new big brother.Beware folks, people can see your inbox, your google chat conversations and all sorts of privacy invasions. Which is cool if you're making your ex-boyfriend jealous with your flourishing love life. Not so much when said ex-boyfriend wants to eat your eyeballs (again, turn off your gmail Pattzy). The IPAD has also generated a lot of buzz,mostly for sounding like a personal hygiene product. I'm still waiting for a good menstruation joke, guys, and not one that says that you can't trust women blah blah that shit is played out. Apple, I expected more from you. Steve Jobs, you're a man. Anything to do with a vagina that doesn't involve sex should squick you out. You are officially on a cool warning. I am putting you on notice.

Also, be more awesome all of you.

So Apparently, Drinking Is Not An Occupation...

I beg to differ. Severely. There happen to be many, many advantages to unrestrained poisoning of the liver. Like Death. Yeah whatever, that cirrhotic liver might be a bit painful, but in the end, EVERYONE DIES. So why not do the fun thing? The thing that says, "Yes, I am a rebel, I drink so much, that my body refuses to process that which I pump into it relentlessly. Mmm. Kiss my puffy face and swollen midsection."

So last night Chocolate Ice and I went out for dinner and drinks with friends. And the meal was TERRIBLE (CALLING YOU OUT ADEGA!). And my dear Icey, being a dry one, did not have a drink. I more than made up for her non-drinkyness... Which was fun at the time. I woke up with the Hangover That Zeus Wrought and OMG I wished to die. Which was also AWESOME because I was teaching Catechism... we were watching JUNO, you know, the cautionary whale. And I had NOTHING to say to them. My head hurt, I was seeing stars. I was farting Xyklon-B. So thus went the lesson:

Me: Okay, guys. So, Uh, don't have uh sex. It's not cool.

Students: o_O

Me: SERIOUSLY, don't fuck, alright? You'll get pregnant and die.

Students: Uh, Mpumi, you can't die from having sex.

Me: Yes you fucking can! Ask Freddy Mercury. And Farrah Fawcett.

Students: Uh, I think she died of cancer. And he died of Aids.

Me: Oh.

Students: I wonder what positions are best.

Me: I heard stuff about dogg... HEY! You guys are Catholic, it's STRICTLY missionary for you people!

[Enter Parish Priest, who proceeds to give Mpumi a squiff look that almost tears a tendon in his left eye]

[V.O.] Me: SHIT!

Me: Okay, guys. See you next week.

Students: Don't drink too much!

FML is not a website. It's my existence.

Also: Apparently our President might have 36 children. To which I say, HOLY FUCKING SHIT. And also, JZ doesn't shoot blanks AT ALL ya'll. He should be reccomended as a fertility treatment "Zuma gets the egg, every time, baby guarenteed."


Also also: Oscar noms were BORING, I don't care. Grammys were on, I still don't care (OMG T SWIZZ WON ALBUM OF THE YEAR!!!) I wonder if my obsession with all things schleb is fading. I mean, I still love to laugh at the misery of those more fortunate than myself, I just dont care as much as I used to. HAAAAAAHHH!! The Vanity Fair Shitstorm over the fact that only thin white girls were on the cover this year as the "New Hollywood" I thought Black folks were over this. Hollywood is the last bastion of the "Old World" where white people can still pretend that black people only exist as 5 stereotypes:

1. Loud Head Snapper
2. Mean Baby Momma
3. Sensitive Maid
4. Crackwhore
5. Scorned, Crazy Bitch
   




Come now people. If those stereotypes still exist, how are you going to be considered "New Hollywood" busy tackling incredible roles and shit, when it seems that the public don't want to see you do it. Comfortable. That's all they want to be, and if seeing empowered black women makes them uncomfortable....

One more thing before I go, twitter was all aflutter the other day with a PROUDLY SOUTH AFRICAN TRENDING TOPIC! WHOOP! Which was: #inSouthAfrica. Lulz were had. Check it out.